'Stake Tar Tar' is Always a Liberal Anti-Smoking Metaphor at WIERD

August 1st, 2007

This week at WIERD there are no special events, its noone's birthday and we know you are more miserable than ever as you burn and sweat the poisons out in your cold little dark synth cubicles...but as always we're here for you so stumble on in to the only place on the planet where every week you can hear the coldest and darkest European wave and minimal electronics...and this week IT is proud to say that after years of searching we finally possess a proper copy of the legendary Italian 'Body Section' Compilation from 1983, so the brilliance of Jeunesse D'Ivoire, Vox Rei, Diaframma, and the young fledgling analogue synth-wielding Litfiba will be floating around in the cold WIERD gloom all night long!

So not like anyone noticed but the apocryphially minded words of the WIERD have quite literally been Very Rare lately, not in a clean and tidy Brooklyn Sushi lunch special way, nor in an invisible icy Italian wave sort of way, but rather more like freshly butchered 2 pound slab of Stake Tar Tare...The thing that the WIERD realized recently is that perhaps the reason IT has never particularly enjoyed the bloody cold pleasures that thee Tar Tare provides is that it has never actually had to try and Stake this Tar, as ITs body has always been tar-infested swampy woderland from all the little white sticks it consumes one after another after another. But a few weeks ago IT decided to try and quit smoking to drive a steak right through this tar, and thus came the brutal sweats, ticks and anxiety of the Tar Tar removal process...Very Rare...In honor of the WIERD making IT through 2 weeks IT decided to celebrate with giving a 'real' Tare-Tare a shot so IT went with IIs fave young lesbian friend to Peter Luger's which only seemed appropriate as the (dare IT say vulgarly) 'Tar-y' lugers have been pouring like coldwave rain from a certain WIERD Pieter's throat of late. Following what was in fact a quite lovely Tare Tare, IT as always got very rare and decided to crash in the lovely lesbian's lair in a wretching nic-fit ball...

The house IT stayed in on this certain foggy gloomwave evening was a 'railroad' apartment, and IT has always loved sleeping IN railroads as IT simply literalizes the 'exteriority'(i.e.isolation) of ITs place in an INterior space, in other words - IT is impossible to do. So if you think of a 4 room 'railroad' as 4 boxes stacked up to form a vertical body, the WIERD was in the second from the bottom, which IT figures is right around where the genitals would be located in the Lesbian's 'railroad'. WIERD opened ITs eyes in the lesbian railroad genital room and saw through the front two rooms that ITs young friend was brushing her teeth very intensely and walking very erratically in and out of the front 2 rooms(what in the architectural body would be the front room - the 'head, and the second room - the torso)...'Excuse me darling but why do you move around so much when you brush your teeth?'...'Oh yeah I got this new electric toothbrush man, and my new fave thing is when I brush I try to act like the toothbrush ITself and move MYself as well around the apartment, and I think of this door here as my mouth and I go in and out of the 2 rooms just like I'm doing with the brush between my teeth.'...' Well darling thats certainly quite an erotic heterosexual metaphor if I've ever heard one, maybe the sexiest thing I've ever heard ever in a Lesbian railroad. I have to say all that your allegorical penetration with that little white brush makes me think of is how much I want to slide a fresh white cigarette into my mouth, perhaps you could stop for a moment while I reach for my new'n improved 'fruit chill' nicorette?'...'Oh thats right i forgot you quit little WIERD, your story about why we had to go put more tar in you body 'without the tar' was so predictably witty as always, whatever HA HA!'...'Well actually I quite enjoyed the Tar Tare last night, did you?'...'WIERD we already talked about this I still smoke so I don't need any more Tar...unlike suffering baby you'...

Then the WIERD looked down and saw on ITs friends bills piling up that ITs middle initial was 'P.'...'Hey what's your middle name darling?'...'Oh ITs 'Patricia', I thought I told you Its a perversion of my father's name - Patrick'...'Wow that's Very Rare, have you ever wondered if your parents slipping a de-masculinized word into the middle of your name had anything to do with your eventual decision that you feel no more need for 'actual', physical men to slide into you?'...'No WIERD that's something arty enough that only you would give a shit about IT...but thank God I don't ever have Men IN me, ughhh...'...'Well actually darling if you say that door connecting your bathroom to your bedroom up there is your mouth', then you certainly could argue that I am right now being two rooms below your head AM in fact INSIDE where you would never want me, so I guess this is your first time, and of course i am honored to take your allegorical virginity as I flinch from thee Tar Tar removal process on your 700 count Egyptian cotton sheets, God they're so soft by the way, where did you get them?'...'Where do you think man - 'Bed, Bath and Beyond' '...'Oh how convenient as that's exactly the order of your lesbian railroad, you are in the bath, then the bedroom, and I(being unapologetically 'heterosexual) am 'Beyond' you in more ways than one...Very Rare...'...'OK WIERD well you might be beyond me architecturally and psychosexually, but somehow my seeing you suffer by not being able to slide those little white cylinders into your mouth has me quite enjoying watching you so unsatisfied to be 'INside' me, in fact I'd argue that since I can tell you feel so unfullfilled right now that we most likely never even did IT - for as always I'm sure you'd tell me that DOING 'IT' is quite literally impossible anyway, and the only way I'm ever gonna have any meat inside me is through those Very Rare Stake Tar-Tares we consume together every time you try to quit smoking, what's this like the third time we have gone to Peter Luger's? Jesus talk about perverse, that place is quite pricey'...'Yeah it is actually time #3, damn I forgot those other 2 times years ago...Maybe this is why I ended up sleeping inside your 3rd-tier lovely little 'box' in the Lesbian railroad'...'Yeah probably, and you know what that means, next time after we 'Tare-remove' you're going to be sleeping in the kitchen - otherwise known as 'tier 4' or architecturally what would be my feet'...'Ok darling I know what that means, I'll put my little pointy shoes on and be on my way, one thing though, can I try brushing with your toothbrush a bit always wondered about those vibrating Tar Tar removers?'...'Sure man no problem - here...'

Then the amazing cold feelings of the WIERD set IN as she did the truly brilliantly unthinkable - she took out the brush, unscrewed the top and removed the batteries...'Here you go man...'...Guess that means I have to stand still eh, oh well you know me too well...'...Very Rare...

Pieter and Glenn Spin the Bloody Cold Pleasures of the History of Italian Dentistry!!!
Wednesday, August 1st, 10pm-4am
WIERD @ Home Sweet Home
131 Chrystie St. @ Delancy, NYC